Ease On Up: Still Trying Not To Care
Guess I gotta start writing a bit more, huh? – November 2, 2019
Guess I gotta start writing a bit more, huh? – November 2, 2019
The odd and funny truth about this sentence, and the many sentences like it that I have written over the course of my life, is that they happen so often. I bet if I went back to look at all my journals and sketchbooks, I’d see them written down every other week or month. And yet, in that time, I would have written almost every day except for one or two days. An isn’t that a funny thing to be worrying about? Not doing enough of the thing that you already do so much?
Sure. It’s true that it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you’re not doing enough. You’re not making, or working, or exercising – whatever it is that is your personal insecurity determined by our cultural expectation of production, of doing. However, this is ridiculous. Most of us who think like this, and those of us who don’t I’d assume, are always working, learning, exercising, taking kids to school, going to meetings, etc. Yet we still think we are not doing enough.
Personally at this moment I am happy with how much I do. Sure, I am busy with two literary editorials, a full-time job at a cafe, writing this blog, editing stories, applying to MFAs. But I want to do these things. I love what I do. I want to write, help others write, pay my bills. Yet, the ever present menace of guilt – in our media, our love of industry in its many forms, and our reverence for the industrious, the powerful, the antisocial brilliant people – lingers. It tells us that our lives are not okay. We’re not doing enough. We could be doing more. This is not true.
Life is complicated as fuck. And, as far as we know empirically, this whole things is only going to happen once. That makes it fragile. Don’t believe you’re not doing enough. You’re just going to spend your time comparing yourself to others and wasting your time. It’s not the right dictum. And really there is no perfect motto to live your life by. Instead, ask yourself, “Am I living by my morals, by what I value? Am I doing what I love?” And if these questions lead you to a desire, a want, ask, “Do I truly want this?” And if the answer is no, or you feel a pang of dread at the thought of not wanting that thing – quit smoking, eating right, writing, painting, whatever – than act on that feeling.
Don’t waste your time with what industrious desires our society wishes to impart. Instead, with an ever compassionate yet critical eye, just do what is right for yourself. None of us need to be novelist or film stars. I know I ultimately don’t need to be a novelist. But I know I have to write. That, I am unable to give up. And if you’re an actor, continue acting. You don’t need to “make it.” That doesn’t exist. Just do what you can to feel gratified in your life.
I also want to note that this is easier for others. It isn’t always something someone can do. Money, rent, time, family, etc. – these are all very large obstacles. Yet they could be the very reason for you finding joy and purpose in your life. There is always something, even in a life full of struggle, to be proud of. Don’t let that shit go.