Looking For Water

Some Thoughts on Why I Love Water (and a short update)

small update below as well :))

When I was little, I didn’t find it too interesting, bodies of water. Yes we would play in the creek in the backyard, making up little worlds with stuffed animals and imaginary characters, or making our small movies. Maybe we’d get bored and start throwing bricks at floating sticks, more sitting completely still  in the slow moving murky water hoping to find baby fish. But that was about it as far as my love of water was concerned, which is odd, now considering it’s most of what I think about, one way or another.

In the creek, we never tried to swim. At least rarely. It was often so shallow that it seemed like a bad idea. In the winter it would be deep enough, but only when the storms surged and the water rushed passed in an uncontrollable torrent, nearly threatening our home. Some days, my friends and I would walk over to the next town where the creek was cleaner, full of thick tadpoles and a small rushing waterfall through some old and abandoned concrete dam whose purpose I’ve never understood. On the hottest days of summer we’d dunk there and then walk upstream to other deep and hidden parts of the stream where a friend’s older brother showed us how to catch crawdads. We’d splash around there, but not back in our part of the creek.

Sometime in high school, my interest in drawing and going to parties took precedent over my curiosities of exploring the creek. I would go to the creek, but it wasn’t as important then. It always came back in some form or another during the summer, but I’d say it was’t until I started surfing three years ago, learning how the ocean moves, not through waves but currents and tides, that I realized just how much I love being with the water.

I was born in the home where we were raised, the fourth and final sibling. Almost immediately, unable to stop crying, my mom told the midwives that she thought I was thirsty. But they said, no, that can’t be possible. They tried to give me milk but I pushed it away. It wasn’t what I needed. So, on my mom’s insistence, they gave me a bottle of water. I chugged it. That story today, writing beside the bay, beside some water, having just witnessed pelicans being released back into the water after weeks in captivity, makes a bit more sense now. That thirst is still there. In fact, if I could, I would swim everyday, or surf, or at least stare at the water.

It’s strange how this simple molecule, water, this necessary thing for human sustenance, can turn in your head into a vital piece of our lives beyond just its necessity. People make water out to be a metaphor for so many things. We make water into politics, into a reason for war, into a color, into art material, into some TikTok trends. We make it into whatever it is that we need it to be in a moment. And while most of these metaphors, these uses beyond proper utility, are incredibly played out, they all exist to display just how vital water is for our lives.

Quickly my hobby of surfing has become an obsession teetering on the edge of making me into one of those people who can’t keep quiet about it, even around those who truly don’t care at all. Since leaving my full time job, whenever I have the time, which has been often, I’ve been driving out to the coast to surf, even when there are few waves to be found. Sometimes I won’t surf, but more often than not I will, even when its bad. And sure, part of that is a desire to learn better how to surf, but it’s also become more simply a practice in touching the water, a constantly fascinating and relieving experiences. A practice I am so grateful to be able to have, at least for now.

I’m obsessed with water, and am realizing, slowly, just how much being beside natural bodies of it has defined mine and all of our lives without our realizing it. Think of a favorite summer memory and there is bound to be water nearby. Think of what you would like to be doing in the sun. Think of where we place our cities, out of convenience to access to the waters.

And I didn’t know it as a little kid, but I was even obsessed back then, staring at the creek during winter storms, running up it during the summer, looking for water skeeters. Everyone in the family was. And now I am here, sitting in a cafe, wishing it was just a bit warmer, wishing I was near some beach, floating around in the sway of the water, looking for it just as avidly as that just-born infant.

MINI UPDATE — A ZINE SERIES!!!

I wanted to share that I’m working on making a short zine of some essays that I’ve written in this newsletter. I got over a years worth of essays so thought it might be fun to reshare some of the older ones in hardcopy style! That should be coming out soon and I cannot wait to share it with you all! Paid subscribers, don’t worry, I’ll just send it to you, but if you want to purchase it, just shoot me an email. Should be getting ready by the end of the month and hoping for it to be a consistent thing in the future.

I’ll be posting updates on my Instagram in the meantime though, so be sure to keep an eye out (@goatinbirdland) ! Also if you make wanna collab on a cover in the future, hit me up! Wanna make the zines a bit more communal than this solitary newsletter currently is.

Just wanted again reiterate the biggest thanks again for reading! Means a ton that y’all are reading and sharing this with your homies. THANKS SO MUCH!